In the third volume of the Message series, called The Art of Personality, Hazrat Inayat Khan speaks of three laws: the law of reciprocity, the law of beneficence, and the law of renunciation, and gives specific applications of these to our relationships with friends, family, and even with God. In a recent post, we offered a brief text on the law of reciprocity, which might perhaps be called the law of give and take. Here are the Master’s words on how to apply this law to our dealings with friends and with enemies.
Our Dealings with our Friends
In friendship we must realize that a friend inferior in position or poorer in life than we are should not for one moment be regarded as such. When he is a friend, in whatever condition he may be or whatever position he may occupy, he must be considered our equal; and the same spirit of equality should be borne in mind in dealing with a friend, however high his position may be. Convention should not be more than is necessary for his evolution. The sense of difference must be avoided in every aspect of dealing with a friend. There must be no secrets between true friends.
The use of friendship for a selfish motive is like mixing bitter poison with sweet rose-syrup; and it is necessary to be ready, without the least hesitation, to serve a friend attentively, in every capacity of life, not expecting for one moment any thanks or return from him.
A friend, in the true sense of the word, is nearer and closer than our own family, relations, neighbors, nation, and race. The secret of the friend should be kept as one’s own secret; the fault of the friend one should hide as one’s own fault; the honor of the friend must be considered as one’s own honor; an enemy of the friend should be regarded as our enemy; a friend of the friend must be considered as our friend. One must not boast of friendship, but must practice it, for the claimants are so often false. In the despair of the friend, consolation must be given; in the poverty of the friend, support is necessary; in the shortcomings of the friend, overlooking is necessary; in the trouble of the friend, help should be given; with the joy of the friend, rejoicing is right.
To be today friendly and tomorrow unfriendly cannot for one moment be called friendship; the value of friendship is in its constancy. Forbearance, patience, and tolerance are the only conditions which keep two individual hearts united. There is a saying in Hindustani, on friendship: “Stand by your friend in his time of need, like the reed on the bank of the river.” When a man is sinking in the water and catches hold of a reed, it will save him if it is strong; and if not, it will sink along with him.
Our Dealings with our Enemies
Our dealings with our enemy should be considered with more delicacy than our dealings with a friend. This fact is generally overlooked by man, and he deals in any way with an enemy, while he is considerate to a friend. Sometimes one insults one’s enemy, spoiling thereby one’s own habit, and making the enemy still more insulting. Sometimes by constantly dwelling on the faults of the enemy one impresses one’s own soul with the same faults, and focuses them upon the soul of the enemy; if he lacks these faults, they may by reflection develop in him and cause him to become a still more bitter enemy.
It is as unwise to underestimate the enemy’s bitterness and power to do harm as it is to overestimate them. Very often a man, blinded by his ego, fails to estimate the power of the enemy and he says, “Oh, what can he do? What do I fear?” giving way to an impulse when driven to it by the enemy. This is a defeat; keeping steadfast and calm under such circumstances is a victory. Complaining about the harm caused by the enemy is a weakness; avoiding it by taking precautions, facing it with strength and checking it with power are the things worth doing. It is wise to take advantage of the criticism made by an enemy, for it can help to correct us; and it is foolish when one laughs it off, considering oneself to be too good to be like that.
In the case of revenge, an eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth is right when one is sure that kindness and forgiveness will have no power whatever upon the hard heart of the enemy, but on the contrary will make him worse. But so long as there is a chance of meeting the enemy’s revenge by kindness the above law must not be practiced. It is better to suppress the enemy before he can rise against us; and it is right to throw him down when he has risen against us.
It is wise to be watchful of the movements of the enemy, and to safeguard oneself against them; and it is foolish to allow oneself to be watched, and to let the enemy safeguard himself against us. It is right to decrease the power of the enemy in every way possible, and to increase one’s own power and make it much greater than the enemy’s. It is right to know the secret of the enemy; and it is more than right to keep our secret from him.
Precautions must be taken that nobody should become our enemy; and special care must be taken to keep a friend from turning into an enemy. It is right by every means to forgive the enemy and to forget his enmity if he earnestly wishes it; and to take the first step in establishing friendship, instead of withdrawing from and still holding in the mind the poison of the past, which is as bad as retaining an old disease in the system.